Waiting

I've been waiting. Not sure for what but found that waiting has become my natural state. Waiting for diagnosis, waiting for treatment. Waiting for results, waiting for improvement. Waiting for doctors and answers. Waiting for drugs to work. Waiting to wait.

Hard to say this out loud but I waited for Robert to die. And I waited for the grief to really hit. I waited for his car to become mine. I waited for his ashes to be delivered to me. I waited for the life insurance check to come in the mail. I waited. Patiently.

Didn't know I was waiting 'til Sunday afternoon. As I was wandering around the house waiting for the day to pass, I stopped, "What was I waiting for?"

For Robert to come home? To wake up from this nightmare? For something to change my reality? What? Was? I? Waiting? For?

With sobs I realized "This is it." There is no more waiting. I am here. This is it.