I've said this before. Everything has changed. My world is turned
upside down. I look at things differently. I think differently. I am
more aware of how language and words shape my experience. I'm on my own.
Living my life. And as my blog title says, "Who am I this time?"
Clearly
horses are a dominate part of my life. They were when Robert was alive,
and now even more so. I start wondering what it would be like to have a
truck and horse trailer. To be able to take my horse to clinics or play
dates easily. I start saying that I have a fantasy about driving around
the country to visit my horse friends—with my horses.
Then I realize that a fantasy doesn't have much chance of
becoming reality. So I change my language to I have a dream of owning a
truck and horse trailer. My pragmatic side chimes in that I already own
two cars. My Saab and Rob's Z3 2-seater convertible. I can not imagine
selling either of them. I fill the Saab with lots and lots of stuff and I
drop the top on the Z3 and drive around with the wind in my hair. And
where would I even park a truck?
Seems the Universe decides to help me out. I was in an accident and
totaled my Saab. Air bag deployed and my trusty Saab gave it's life so I
can walk away unhurt. And yes all I can think of is how much I want to
be able to call Rob and tell him what happened. To have him to come and
pick me up, and wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be
okay.
I have driven Saabs my entire driving life.
First one was a Red 1967 93 (in those days it was called a ninety three)
two stroke engine Saab that had been my parent's car. Learned to drive
this 4 speed manual transmission car. Failed my first driver's test in
this car. Passed my driver's test in this car. Robert and I had many of
our first driving adventures in this car. Even learned car repair—I'm
talking about drum brakes, carburetors, engine rebuilding with this car.
I
can go on and on with Saab stories. Saab models: 93s, 900s, back to 9-3
designation. Colors: Red, Silver, White, Champagne Beige, Silvery
Green, Metallic Midnight Blue, Green, Silver. Now they no longer exist.
And now I no longer own one. Yet another passing. Yet another loss.
But
I have the Z3 and it is becoming mine. Really mine. Slowly it is
filling with stuff. My stuff that I was hesitant to put in it before.
And the acceptance of the car as mine hits hard. Really hard. I have to drive it. No choice of cars any longer. And every day I get into it I have to face it was his. And he is no longer.
So of course I call his service adviser and make an appointment
for an oil change and safety inspection. Exactly as I did one
year ago. Yet another reminder.
Recognize the accident was about 'hitting the wall'. Was I charging along thoughtlessly? Another hint from the Universe? I hear that old Paul Simon song in my head all the time now, "Slow down, you move too fast...."
The roller coaster roars downward, and I'm waiting for the g-force (read that as grief force) to ease up a bit.
