Saturday, March 25, 2017

Back to the Frozen North

I am on a trip to gather up the stuff I left behind when I believed I was returning as a Snowbird. Problem is I nixed the return migration.

I flew into Boston, rented a minivan and found the roads still have memories swirling around them. The overwhelming memories that catch me up and before I know what is happening tears are streaming down my face. What I've called Ground Fog. It has been over half a year since I have driven these roads—and I find the emotions are still as raw and alive as when Rob first died.

And then I drove to New Hampshire and momentarily marveled that I didn't feel him here in the White Mountains. A place he so loved. When I went to return the minivan I drove past a restaurant we had visited years and years ago...I guess I was primed. Tears started flowing again. And the memories of other times and other drives and other roads we traveled on in New Hampshire flooded me.

Florida is a fresh slate. We were never there together. I can think of Rob—and our life together—and feel joy as well as sadness in the memories.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Lost and Found

I find I am doing things I only dreamed of—and sometimes doing things I didn't know to dream of. I find I am living a new/different life. Finding I am a new person....well maybe not "new" but I my life is expanding in different directions—and I am embracing them.

Stepping over thresholds that in the past would have held me back. But I suppose once my soul was seared by Rob's death, the loss of Rob—what was once perceived as undoable does not seem so insurmountable anymore. 

For instance if you told me a couple of years ago that I would be comfortable driving down the road with a horse trailer behind me, loaded with my horse and a friend's I would have laughed and said, "No way!"  But I am now doing this with confidence and ease.

My horsemanship journey has lead to so many changes in my life—hell I'm living in Florida! Personal growth, OMG I hear Rob saying, "This is a great opportunity for Personal Growth," every time I hit the wall.

As they say (whomever 'they" are), "Your horse is your mirror." Well here is my mare skinny dipping. I didn't know she even liked water, but she kept going until she was swimming. I guess I could say I keep taking that next step forward, and find the water is fine.

Monday, February 13, 2017

It is my birthday - Number 4 after the death of my husband

I had one of the best Birthday's today in a long long time. Started out with Bill singing Happy Birthday to me in the barn. And progressed with lots more singing, and laughter, and sharing. Thank you Claudia for insisting and planning this special occasion with three other new girl friends.

An adventure—to explore a wonderful small town along the coast of the Gulf of Mexico. Lunch at a restaurant on the water with a very narrow deck jutting out over the water with gulls and pelicans and I think skimmers flying under, over and around us. The water stretched out flat, no waves, to the horizon. The sun was shining. We sat in the shade of an umbrella on this deck and ate steamed clams. And these new friends insisted the waitress put a candle in one of the grilled shrimp topping my salad.

After lunch a leisurely stroll through the town's history museum and then in and out of small quaint shops. This was totally unlike any Birthday I've ever had. I chose to stay in the moment, in the here and now, and take in all the wonder and friendship and love. And not dwell in the past and what was. This Birthday's differences serves as a vivid reminder of how far I have come.

Monday, January 30, 2017

There is no question—I have arrived

I am home. Being in the place where my horses are just outside my windows has brought a feeling of peace and completion. This is where I am meant to be. Right here. The fields wrap around the house so no matter where I am inside I look outside and see my horses, hear my horses; and I drop everything and go outside and play with my horses.

Through my horses new friendships abound, as it is the horses that brought me to this place of wonder. And these new connections are leading to new business opportunities. Thank you Robert for insisting we shift our marketing business to serve the needs of the horse and equestrian community.

I have always known of the healing powers of horses. After Rob died it was my mare Cici who kept me going and saw me through the darkest times. And my mini Casey kept up his antics to keep me laughing. As the healing progressed and I could begin to look forward I realized I wanted to focus on my horsemanship in a way that had not been possible before. And once again through horse connections, I found my way here.

My days and nights are spent playing with my horses, promoting horse businesses, visiting with horsey friends. We go to horse events, watch horse movies. It is "All about the horse, the horse, the horse" (with apologies to Megan Trainor).

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Uncle Walt (Disney) was right

I am finding Florida to be a totally new state of mind. I was here less than two weeks and got a new client—the former Cavalia star and trainer who has a farm nearby and was in need of marketing. Through her I met a new friend who introduced to another friend who invited me to a barn opening party. This other new friend just finished building her dream barn and was throwing a party. Think big barn raising. And she was flying in a country band from Las Vegas she knew from her corporate travels.

Even though the party was over an hour away, in a place I had to trust Celeste, my GPS, to get me to, at night in the dark, I was up for it. Once at this new amazing Florida style barn as I was looking over the people there, I noticed a man dressed in black with black cowboy hat. Rolling my eyes I thought really? a Tim McGraw wannabe!

The band started playing and new friend of friend rushed through the crowd to announce that Tim McGraw was going to sing. Surprise guest! I mean where else does this happen?!?!?!

Yet another new friend invited a couple of us to his house to hear and hopefully see Barn Owls and Great Horned Owls that hangout in the trees around his house. Saw a pair of Great Horned Owls sitting in the tree. Then one flew on top of the other and mated. Really?

I have been working hard for my new client, and my existing ones. I have been making new friends and seeing new things. I took a riding lesson something I have not done in years. And have schedule weekly ones for the foreseeable future. I trailered my horse and a friend's horse to said riding lesson. And didn't hyperventilate when friend was late, or when my horse did not immediately load. I am beyond learning how to just be. I am. Who knew?

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Color is seeping back into my life.

Years ago Rob shared with me a cartoon of a woman dressed in yellow jumping over a fire. The caption was about burning her black clothes. I chuckled at it but thought that would never be me. I loved my black-wear. I had/have black jeans, Ts, turtlenecks, sweaters, coats, scarfs, blouses, pants, jackets, purses, shoes, boots, gloves, hats. I mean with black you are always fashionable, chic, look slimmer, everything matches. Was I mourning and didn't know it? And the black-wear certainly got me through the real mourning, not that anyone noticed any difference in my wardrobe.

Maybe black-wear is a northern latitude clothing attitude. Because here in Florida I feel very different about my black-wear. Oh I still wear it—because it is what I have—but it doesn't feel right any longer. In my first act of jumping over that fire I purchased a RED purse. And I now am the proud owner of a pair of multicolored stripped ribbon shoes. The metamorphosis is certainly manifesting itself in very colorful surprising ways.

Monday, November 28, 2016

I am here in Florida - how is that possible?

I am now in Florida. Can't help but laugh and think "How did that happen?" I drove over a thousand miles in Huey (SUV) with my horse trailer filled with all my possessions. My cat in the back seat, a new BFF sharing the driving,. Took three days with two overnights to complete the journey. I shipped the horses—knowing my limitations.

I am happy. I am having fun. I sleep through the night. My life is unlike anything I imagined. Okay I'll admit that it was a fantasy of mine to live on a farm with my horses. But the fantasy didn't look like this—this is way better. I don't know who I am and refuse to look too closely as I am feeling very present—in the moment—here. The new normal is no matter where here is I am home. A startling and poignant concept.

As we crossed into Florida my friend asked me if I had butterflies. And I realized no. And no for the entire journey. This totally continues to confound—that I have metamorphosized into one for whom home is me. Don't seem to need a physical location any longer.