Back to the Frozen North

I am on a trip to gather up the stuff I left behind when I believed I was returning as a Snowbird. Problem is I nixed the return migration.

I flew into Boston, rented a minivan and found the roads still have memories swirling around them. The overwhelming memories that catch me up and before I know what is happening tears are streaming down my face. What I've called Ground Fog. It has been over half a year since I have driven these roads—and I find the emotions are still as raw and alive as when Rob first died.

And then I drove to New Hampshire and momentarily marveled that I didn't feel him here in the White Mountains. A place he so loved. When I went to return the minivan I drove past a restaurant we had visited years and years ago...I guess I was primed. Tears started flowing again. And the memories of other times and other drives and other roads we traveled on in New Hampshire flooded me.

Florida is a fresh slate. We were never there together. I can think of Rob—and our life together—and feel joy as well as sadness in the memories.

Lost and Found

I find I am doing things I only dreamed of—and sometimes doing things I didn't know to dream of. I find I am living a new/different life. Finding I am a new person....well maybe not "new" but I my life is expanding in different directions—and I am embracing them.

Stepping over thresholds that in the past would have held me back. But I suppose once my soul was seared by Rob's death, the loss of Rob—what was once perceived as undoable does not seem so insurmountable anymore. 

For instance if you told me a couple of years ago that I would be comfortable driving down the road with a horse trailer behind me, loaded with my horse and a friend's I would have laughed and said, "No way!"  But I am now doing this with confidence and ease.

My horsemanship journey has lead to so many changes in my life—hell I'm living in Florida! Personal growth, OMG I hear Rob saying, "This is a great opportunity for Personal Growth," every time I hit the wall.

As they say (whomever 'they" are), "Your horse is your mirror." Well here is my mare skinny dipping. I didn't know she even liked water, but she kept going until she was swimming. I guess I could say I keep taking that next step forward, and find the water is fine.