The Holidays

I seem to be in a cycle of crying at least once, twice, or more a day. I used to be able to skip a day here and there. Now are so many memories leaping in front of me. Like deer who jump out in front of your car and then get caught in your headlights.

Holiday season and lights are going up on houses. Robert and I always took one night and drove around admiring the bright colorful cheerful lights. One of our recent favorite streets to patrol was the one I travel on to and from the barn. When I saw the lights begin to appear I seriously considered changing my route.

Rob made a tape (shows you how long we've been doing this) and then a CD with selected Cowboy songs, to play as we drove along. Songs we grew up on like Roy Rogers' Happy Trails to You (particularly poignant as the next line is "Until we meet again). The theme song from Rawhide. Tex Ritter, Rex Allen, Gene Autry. I found the CD, but am not ready to listen to it yet.

Then there is the Fatima shrine just down the road from home where they have—oh I don't know—maybe 5-7 acres of paths all lit up with wonderful lights and decorations. Hanging in the trees, across the paths, a fabulous Nativity scene with a camel and donkey set in a field. Lighted stations of the cross. What else could good Jews do but enjoy the lights and wonderful holiday and religious music blaring from speakers.

We used to invite our Christian friends! But we always had our own special night to walk through this wonderland together. Another place I drive by frequently, and you can see the lights from the street. Last year when Rob could not go out in the cold I parked at the very edge so he could soak in the colors. Did not even think that that would be his last time.

And what would the holidays be without snow. A storm is coming and I got thinking how Robert made sure my car was prepped. He always filled my washer fluid. Reminded me to fill my gas tank. Who is going to do that now? You mean I have to take care of all this myself?

I am crying as I type. It is all the little things piling up. How will I ever be able to move on. At times like these it just feels so overwhelming. And like the future is going to be a cold empty place. See winter is here. And the snow is starting to fall. And where I usually am all happy about snow, right now I'm in despair.

The forecast hysteria from weather reporters are driving me to distraction. Remember last year when we had a big storm Rob was very anxious because our neighbor hadn't dug us out immediately. He was feeling trapped. I was having a blast with the snow. Time to put some music on and move my energy from stuck in the past to at least maybe this moment.

Oh, almost forgot, went to get a flu shot. Another thing Rob was diligent about. And friends have been telling me I don't want to be sick at home alone. Okay how could that set me off? Well lets see - watching the nurse open the drawer to all the lavender colored gloves (I had my own boxes of lavender gloves while dealing with all the medical issues at home), the needles (I had my own supply while dealing with the medical issues at home), the wipes, the hand cleaner, the syringes. The procedure. Yet another mine field. Actually wrote mind field. And that is what it is. A mind field.