I am moving forward, trying to figure out my life, looking to the future. How is this possible? I am on a path that I do not have much control over. And going forward seems to be the direction I'm heading. It feels like a juggling act to think of the future and have the past an active part of the present. I think of Linda Blair in The Exorcist when her head swivels is around and around.
Robert is such an integral part of the fabric of my life. He is everywhere with me. This morning I was preparing the cat's breakfast. I used to just open the can and mush it with a fork. Robert instructed me to add a can of warm water and then mush it to a smooth consistency. Now I do this every morning without a thought.
He bought me the computer I sit and write at. The iPhone—my lifeline was another of his gifts. Can't imagine managing without it now. My GPS unit was beginning to become undependable and when I got the Cavalia gig he uploaded the TomTom app to my iPhone and signed me up for traffic updates. Can't imagine navigating any other way now. Technology was his domain, and he brought me along kicking and screaming and resisting in every way. I now wonder why.
Everywhere I look I feel his presence. Where he sat on the couch. The table we bought together. The lights he put up. The door to his room. His books. His, now my car in the garage. A pine cone we picked up in Maine. I even wear some of his clothes. Or think of what he would say about some of mine ; -)
These are the objects and thoughts that are of the past and very much in the present. Physical items that are filled with memories. And the memories feel like walking through water. Initial resistance and then you get used to the feel of the water and keep going.
Forward movement is planning to go out to dinner with friends. Flying to Philadelphia in January for a trade show. Making arrangements to meet virtual friends at a horse event in February.
I am walking along a very steep narrow mountain ridge. Any misstep and I tumble off to one side or the other. But I keep walking, one step at a time, knowing that even when I do fall, I will clamber back up and keep moving on. How can this be? How do I keep putting one foot in front of the other?
Is this faith? Spirituality? Belief in something that I don't even know what to call?
No comments:
Post a Comment