Holidays. I've been trying to ascertain holidays, anniversaries and dates of importance. Loosing my mindfulness here. Holidays like Thanksgiving that move around on the calendar are causing havoc. Do I anticipate the holiday or the date?
Last year Thanksgiving was on November 22nd. That day we were in the big city hospital. On November 28th they were talking of finally sending Robert home. Which happened on the 29th.
But this year Thanksgiving is on the 28th. And while I will be home on the 29th he still will not. I know I'm driving myself to distraction. But that is the point. Thinking about dates and anniversaries distracts me from feeling. Distracts me from mindfulness. Distracts me from sitting with my feelings.
What I have been able to observe is that my feelings are coming and going with great speed and incredible intensity. They appear full blown, stay for a while. Then like a huge wind that comes through and leaves, everything is wiped clean.
Had an incidence with my bank where I was in a full yelling rage. Wow! It was like taking a deep sniff of Wasabi to clear your sinuses. The rage was there and then it was gone. And I felt cleansed. Not so sure the person on the other end of the phone had a similar experience.
Just became a blogger for the Huffington Post! This blog. Blogging about my grief and dealing with being alone. When I got the email that they had posted my first submission I was elated! Such euphoria, happiness and delight. And such confusion and guilt about how could the most devastating event in my life produce such jubilation?
As I was driving over the metal grating on a bridge in town I was overwhelmed with grief. This particular road surface brought back a memory with Rob that is over 41 years old about our first car together. Tears flowed down my face.
Last night I was sitting in bed reading about mindfulness with my cats lying on me. My spiritual cat rested his head on the hand holding the book. I felt his warm breath on my hand, and knew I had to put the book aside. He just looked into my eyes. He reached out his paw to touch me as he continued to gaze deep into my soul. My mind was furiously trying to make sense of what this meant.
When I let go of all thought I was flooded with deep feelings of compassion and love. Love from and for this furry being physically sitting on me, love from and for other cats in my life that are now gone, deep love from and for Robert.
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