Quickly I decide to head out. It is so easy to fall into the 'Going to ER' mode, in the middle of the night, on a weekend. Its like a worn comfortable sweater. Its reassuring. Its calming. Its familiar. Its normal even. Gather a few overnight items, grab my large briefcase, computer, charging cord, magazine and book and I'm ready. I mean you never know.
Driving to the hospital in the dark is strangely comforting. Can't count the number of times I've done this. Although never alone. But in the dark that does not seem to matter. How many times had we driven these roads, sitting side by side, each in our own worlds, holding hands?
Its like I'm in suspended animation when I enter through the big sliding doors and describe my racing heart. They order an "immediate" EKG and I wait. And wait and wait. Think about what I'll tell the nurse in triage. "What brought you in tonight?" A broken heart.
I am trying hard to stay connected with myself and yet the past ER visits are flooding in. The nurse comments, "Oh you haven't been here before." Of course I have! Numerous times. "Your birthday?" I can spout Robert's much easier than I can remember mine. "Medications?" Have Robert's list down pat. Mine? Haven't a clue.
See the form with the empty fields that she is slowly filling. A blank form? I am so used to seeing Rob's overflowing form. And it hits me hard. This is all about me. This is one of those "It is all about me moments." Not quite what I had had in mind for an "All About Me Moment".
After tests and blood work I am told my heart is fine. No evidence in Western medicine of a broken heart. Their equipment doesn't detect the hole in my heart.
I did the exact same thing. They said panic attack.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and have been reading from the beginning.
My wife died after 6 months of torture battling a very aggressive cancer in March 2013. This has been a really bad month for me (after holidays and with the 1 year approaching) and I have been crying all morning.
Thank you for writing and publishing this. We have gone through so much of the same things, the same experiences and feelings. I think I am surprised it is hitting me so very hard and painfully again now. I thought that amount of pain was dealt with and past.
all my best to you and anyone reading this.
Bill
I talk a lot about the roller coaster here. Every time I think I've dealt with the worst that damn roller coaster takes me for another and another deeper and deeper drop. Hang in there, "they" say it takes time.
ReplyDeleteOh and this event was on the one year anniversary of a surgery Rob had that reveled his cancer was back and inoperable. As I've said while the conscious mind forgets the unconscious remembers.
Talking and writing about what I'm feeling helps me so much. I have found we are not alone. Even with our grief so personal. Stay in touch.
Jamie
I went to the ER twice with that heart-attack feeling. EKG normal. diagnosis: stress. Yeah. Sudden death broken heart stress.
ReplyDeleteGrief is such a physical thing.