Through the Portal of the First Year Anniversay of Robert's Death

I'm through the portal, past the first year anniversary of Robert's death. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks the same from this side. To put it succinctly I'm still here and he is not.

The roller coaster roars on. I have accomplished some amazing things this year on my own. I have traveled to places and met people like never before. I've had to deal with car issues, home maintenance, getting sick, everything in "normal" everyday life on my own. And yes I am still standing. And yes I have had fun. But...there is still a gaping hole.

The distance of time doesn't change the facts. And in some way it is harder now because I believed everyone who said the big hurdle was the first year anniversary. The realization is it is even more real with this passage of time. I think during the year just putting one foot in front of the other required so much energy that that was all I could manage.

I have gotten past that. Only here on this side the total complete reality hits harder than ever. He is not coming back. He will never walk through that door, hold my hand, sleep with me, kiss me. The finality now that the fog has lifted hits me like a sledge hammer.

There was such emphasis on first anniversary. I heard that going through the first year with all of life's events, "the first after his death" would make a difference. Well I say "they" lied. Because I now get to experience the second Fall we are not together. And I think back to what I did last year, and get an "OH!" and try and think back to the year before that.

Sometimes I feel that year one was about just getting through it. One step, one day, one moment at a time. Now I recognize and am forced to embrace the truth that this is indeed it. No going back. No return to before. No Robert.

I have to go on alone. Driving home from the barn today, I was thinking, what was I going to do when I got home? And I am confronted with the truth that I have to make all the decisions. Self direction. It is all about me. After so many years of being with Robert, my life was we. It is now utterly and totally me. Looking back I found I wrote about this almost exactly a year ago "Two Minus One."