Newton's Third Law—for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. I felt whole and complete, and I suppose in control. That was then. Now I feel fractured, scattered, shattered. And that there is any hope of control is an illusion.
The feeling of being okay is now replaced with emptiness and longing. Where I was able to stand on my own two feet, I succumbed to a cold and crawled into bed. My feeling competent has been swapped out with an inability to focus.
I am caught in suspended animation. That moment of zero gravity. Free floating, no direction, no choice. Everywhere I look I see evidence of my past life with Rob. And who I was and where I was going. I can not see beyond.
I recognize I have been running and running and running. Apparently I finally caught up with myself. Catching a cold was my unconscious forcing me to stop. This cold is the one I could not have had with Rob during his chemo. There was no way I could get sick. So I didn't. But now that it is just me here....the cold stopped me dead in my tracks. Words are so interesting aren't they?
My answer to How are you? is Fine except when I'm crying. And I seem to be doing a lot of that again. Imagery fills my head, of peeling layers of the onion, of spirals, of dropping a pebble in a pond and the concentric rings that emanate, of my faithful roller coaster or ferris wheel or carousel.
Each time I am here I think it is the first and only time. Or if I do acknowledge I might have been here before then this time it is deeper or darker. And then I go back and reread my posts. And surprise! I have been here before.
Hi.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say how much I can see myself in your posts. I lost my wife nearly 3 years ago and blogged a lot about grief and 'my way of grieving'. I too had really good days where I actually had fun, and then days of utter despair. Your emotions seem to closely echo my own. I admire that you allow yourself the time to feel happy, even if it is only for a couple of days when you away with your friends. I always think that those brief moments of happiness are vitally important to help us remember that WE are still here and that it IS still possible to find joy in life, amongst all the grief and sadness.
Hi back,
ReplyDeleteAh holding onto the "WE are still here" is indeed the challenge. This is still so new for me, so new that I wonder at still being here. Sigh. Working on accepting that it is our right to find joy in life. I know he would want me to, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I wandered over to your blog and found comfort and hope. Congratulations by the way. Awesome in finding love again.