I had lunch with a group of women friends. We used to see each other once a week at tai chi class but that ended quite a while ago. We do stay in touch. They catered the "Celebration" I had for Rob after he died. We have always done food together—cooking, eating, sharing recipes.
That went over like a lead balloon. There was stunned silence. One of those pregnant pauses. And then they went back to chatting about what they had been doing since the last time we all got together.
I never felt so alone as I sat there and the conversation just washed over me. Guess my recent experiences with the Bereavement Group where that kind of comment is met with hugs and "I knows" and "its my 4th or 8th month anniversary" made me forget what the "real" world is like.
It is with groups of people who are not involved with grieving where I run into trouble. One on one there is time for compassion and understanding. But in a group setting it seems to get lost. Or maybe it is hearing about what each of these women did, were doing, planned to do with their husbands that isolated me. There was no way to make a connection, no way to share an experience, and no way to think that someday Rob and I would do that.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through-- losing your other half must be one of the hardest things you've ever had to grieve. My Dad passed away about a month and a half ago. I am only 26-- I wasn't supposed to grieve this for at least 30-40 more years... maybe more. His birthday is next week, and I am dreading it.
ReplyDeleteGrieving is an incredibly lonely process. I'm so sorry you feel alone... please trust, as heartbreakingly lonely as it feels, you are not alone. A good friend of mine is getting married in a few months, and several of my friends and myself had a "girls day" watching movies and spending time. Someone brought up her dad and walking her down the aisle, dancing, etc.
I am unmarried. Those are the moments I was supposed to have, and it feels as though they have been stolen away. People just don't know what to say, but salt in an open wound is more isolating than anyone realizes. I'm sorry your close friends don't realize the pain that is being caused. You are in my heart and my prayers. Rob is with you always.
Amanda your words touch my heart. I too lost my Dad when I was 26. But I was already married, and Rob was by my side. I remember thinking how relieved he (Dad) was that I was "taken care of". Old fashioned kind of guy Dad.
ReplyDeleteWhat continually amazes me is how we meet here through grief. Strangers who have no reason for their lives touching. Except for grief. Except for grief. And the searing of the grief forms bonds that were previously unimaginable.
I take hope in your words. And love the quote you posted on your blog by Jeaniene Frost.
You are in my heart and my prayers.
I think the different between your grief and my grief is that I keep my grief private and I disclose it only to people that show some interest. I wouldn't never say what you say to your friends in that occasion, some people can feel uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteHi Paola,
DeleteI am in a place where I am tired of worrying about what other people feel. Honestly I feel that some of them are not interested or don't want to touch what I am feeling. Maybe its selfish, maybe its taking care of myself. But these people are my friends. These people knew my husband very well. One even came and sat with me in the hospital right after he died. And to act like all of this is such past history is unhealthy for me.
Expressing my grief in this "public" way is part of my healing process. I will not hide it. It is a huge part of me. Oh I have good times, I laugh, I talk and visit with people, but there is a core of pain and grief with me all the time. We were "supposed" to grow old together.
I am not interested in putting on a brave front for "others". That is not the truth. Some of the other comments I have gotten on this blog speak to that. Maybe, just maybe if enough of us express our true feelings, people will get used to the idea of grief and it won't be such an untouchable topic. Maybe then there would be more compassion in the world.
My answer to people who ask how I'm doing is, "Fine, except when I crying." Isn't that were those of us dealing with grief are?
You nailed it with your feelings. I feel the same way as you do about friends. It is old news to some of them. I have 3 great friends that check in on me every day.
DeleteI wish you some comfort and peace.
I think you are the only person in cyberspace that really expresses the pain we feel. Today is my two month mark of Art's passing. I didn't realize it just gets worse as time moves on. The shock of his death blanketed me for a few weeks. I thought, "Hey, I'm going to be ok." Nope, not a chance of that. I have no one to talk about the world news and happenings going on. I have friends but, it is not the same. He knew everything about me, we finished each others sentences. I would know exactly how he was feeling. I just miss him. I died on March 15, 2014. I bought a puppy on Saturday to give me some form of happiness and keep me busy. If I didn/t have her right now...I would not be safe. I have to think about her now and that is ok. She cuddles with me when I start to cry. It has been a really bad day. I'm so happy I found your blog. I needed it really bad. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThe platitude that everyone feeds you, "it will get better with time", is a bunch of crap. It changes - that is all I can say. And each one of us has highs and lows and bottoming out.
ReplyDeleteI am facing our wedding anniversary, would have been 43 years next week (don't know if you got to our story, but we met in high school, so yes to knowing everything about each other as well). And a few days after that is the 8th month. Sigh. Tears. Sob.
Thank you for finding me. What you said about my writing means so much to me. I write to help me deal and understand what I'm feeling. And I am learning I write to express what others are feeling as well.