Here I am. And to be honest at this moment I am wondering what all the fuss is about. I am. Fine. Right now. Who knows about later, but in this moment I am fine. I am thinking about my impending move to Florida for the winter. I am not caught up in waves of grief. I am caught up in my future.
Make that MY future. I do not know what it holds but I am clearly moving forward. Making plans and appointments and thinking about what to pack and how. A myriad of things that need to be done before I pack the last bag and close the doors and head out. Trailer needs to be checked out. Bobbie (the Z3) has to get serviced and prepped for his winter storage. Huey (SUV) has to go get an oil change. My cat to the vet, the vet to the horses. Me to the doctor and dentist. Find an accountant, vote, get my will finalized.
I am experiencing a renewed sense of oneness. Of being on my own and feeling comfortable here. Standing on my own two feet - and feeling the earth beneath them - grounded.
Rob's birthday was a month ago. And I got caught up in that and thinking about the coming Anniversary. I experienced a lot of what I will call "Ground Fog" - memories that would envelope me as I drove on familiar roads, past familiar places. Memories that would drift away as I drove through them. I am very pleased to report that the fog has lifted.
I am now looking forward to driving on new roads and making new memories of my own. I will be making these memories driving my own car, my own trailer, with my own horses. At this moment that does not feel scary. And I can laugh when I read that last sentence.
I love this post, it makes me happy!
ReplyDeleteI wrote this in August and never published. It is the precursor to the Third Anniversary of his Death.
ReplyDeleteLife and Death of My Husband Robert
It was his Birthday yesterday and in a month is the anniversary of his death. I miss him still. Yes my life is going in ways I never imagined. But these markers come up and stop me cold. My life seemingly screeches to a halt as I remember. And yearn. And wonder how did I come to be here.
I had made plans to go into the City last night for a talk. Going to take the commuter rail as there is no way I want to drive into the City at the height of rush hour. Never done this before. Something new to look forward to. Something new to be anxious about. Thought it would be a great distraction, a sign of how I am living my own life. Everything seemed so logical and orderly. And then I remember what this day is.
Where has the time gone? How have I managed alone? Why am I still crying? The loss seems overwhelming right now. And if I pick up my head up and look ahead — all I can see right now is another looming date in a few weeks. Ah the roller coaster is roaring along again.
Driving along in his convertible, enjoying the weather, the wind in my hair — and a Memory slowly envelopes me, "Ground Fog." It may be of something we did along that stretch of road or where that road took us or I catch the sight of something that triggers a thought. Then beginning slowly—"The fog rolls in on little cat feet" — the memories slowly build and I am driving with tears running down my face.
I've experienced this "Ground Fog" always while driving along roads we traveled together on. Last night while walking alone through the City on my way to a Lecture I walked straight into one. Who knew it was lurking there on the street corner — apparently just waiting for me. I was in the present and looking across the street and "we" were standing, dressed for business, in the past. I looked around and saw us through the window of a restaurant having a bite to eat after the business meeting. The fog of memories flooded in. And I wondered at being in the here and now, and seeing the past.
Carefully I walked on. Feeling the hard surface of the street under my feet, listening to the sounds of the City in my ears, my eyes and mind struggling to adjust to seeing what was in front of me as I walked in the present.
I've come to realize that while I still feel the pain of loss, time is indeed lessening its intensity. And I am making plans for my own future.