Friday, June 3, 2016

Ongoing Emotional Growth

My fantasy, then dream, then reality of having a truck and trailer to take my horse places hit a road block. I was planning on taking her and my cat to visit a friend in the White Mountains of New Hampshire for a couple of weeks. I got everything organized, pack up the truck including my cat. The truck is filled with kitty stuff, horse stuff, my stuff. Trailer hooked up. All that is left to do is load my mare.

She had other plans however. Not interested in traveling this day, and hence would not load. I am a follower of  Parelli Natural Horsemanship and don't believe in "making" my horse load, she has to want to get on the trailer herself. Spent 2-1/2 hours playing with "It's not about the trailer". And spent 2-1/2 hours letting go of any assumptions I had about traveling this day.

Her life was up. Mine was scattered. She was high headed. I was befuddled. I reached the limits of my horsemanship. I had the "book learning" but not the expertise. It felt like all my horsemanship efforts hit the wall.

And while I am fine with the outcome of not traveling that day, I am left feeling defeated. I know that this is a stepping stone to greater horsemanship. So why am I crying?

Because it is about emotional growth. Stepping over the edge. Facing a threshold. And realizing that for most of my life I have played it safe. Or so it seems to me. But since the death of my husband Robert, I seem to keep pushing and pushing and pushing my limits. And when I hit one of them I collapse inward.

I will get up and dust myself off and go on. But right now I just feel. And feeling hurts. And the only way that I express this latest growth spurt is through tears.

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