Once again my world has shifted after the death of my husband

Some thing has changed. My world has shifted. I have turned a corner. Most likely I am at the crest of the roller coaster. I will continue to hang on tight...but right now it feels pretty darn amazing. And the views....

It started when I found a few odds and ends from the Z3. Items that Robert had replaced, but kept the original parts. Can't just throw them away. So I contacted a Z3 group he used to belong to. An online group. The founder of the group, Rachel, responded to my email asking if I was talking about Robert 5 degrees. Huh?!?!!? She quickly shared, "You see when Robert introduced himself for Fixit Day 2003, he wrote: 'I love this car!! Bought it and drove home on a 5 DEGREE F. day.' Thus, Robert 5°. And you are Jamie 5°!"

What a welcome, especially as it brought back a flood of memories. Helped along with links from Rachel with photos. And comments Rob wrote to go along with the photos. Warm, funny, laughing, memories. Driving and meeting people. Exploring. Driving with the top down. Driving with the top down and heater turned on high. Driving with the top down and the A/C on cold. Driving. Laughing. Smiling.

I was fortified by this to go through more bins and boxes. Ready to make a further dent in the piles of stuff. To realize I don't have to hold on so tight. That he will always be with me. And I can start to let go. That this is my life. Mine. Alone. And say that and not be overwhelmed with grief and tears.

I even took on his computer. Had the presence of mind to recognize that a large part of my reluctance to even open it was the image he had as his background. A photo he had taken. A photo that I saw every time I sat with him and he opened his laptop. I could change it! This never had occurred to me before. There is movement. I am perceiving things differently.

Reset the background to the generic blue screen. Just like my laptop. And I began the process of going through his files and deleting what was not important to me. Any longer. Like going through the physical items he left behind. Now I'm venturing into the electronic. Even found myself thinking about using his laptop as my travel one. Thinking about it, not there yet, but thinking about it.

In a couple of weeks it will be his birthday, and then two days later the 11 month anniversary and then and then and then. At this moment I can believe I might just make it. And I also know that the roller coaster can easily change course. So I will embrace what I am experiencing at this moment. Hope.