The reality of grief, and accepting the reality

Reality - I have been hitting it hard. And thinking about it in those terms - the reality of the situation.

Reality - I think that is part of the reason I have been able to incorporate some of Rob's things into MY life. It is not a matter of worrying what he would think. Or of having to worry that if I used something it better be perfect when I return it.

Reality - that I can't come home from the barn and tell him what wonderful things Cici and I did today.

Reality - no one to share at the level we always shared.

Reality - he is not here.

Reality - he is not coming back.

Reality - he is not here and won't be here again.

Reality - not ever.

Reality - sucks.

I am trying to keep moving. The temptation to crawl into bed and stay there is overwhelming. But fortunately I have Cici calling me. And admit that if I skip a day and do not go out to see her I pay a price. To myself. I have to get out. I have to keep moving. I have to keep living. Apparently.

So I'll tell you what I so yearn to tell Rob. I am playing with Cici at liberty and we are walking and trotting together. I am walking next to her, she doesn't have a halter or anything on and she just sticks with me. When I up my energy she trots with me. We are really connected this morning and I thought…hmm I wonder if I can get her to stay in sync with me and canter.And she does! First time I have tried this. And she is right with me. My heart is so open. I am a little girl playing horse. I am flying. My beautiful palomino mare is right with me. And when I come back down to earth I am crying. Sobbing.

California showed me I can be out there. But the rubber band stretched too far, and I am pulled back in the other direction—to grief. It is worse, okay different, than the roller coaster. Two sides of the same coin that somehow someway someday I will be able to integrate into one. But for now I swing between the two.