Widow

I was on the phone talking with a friend right after Rob died. She had lost her husband suddenly two years before. There was comfort in talking with her as she understood the loss. The going from two to one.

And then she said, "Now that you are a widow...." And in that nanosecond I felt like I had been hit in the chest by a huge fist. I could not catch my breath. I could not hear anything else she was saying. My mind was reeling.

One word: widow and immediate total complete unequivocal denial. I'm not a widow.

I've thought long and hard about death and dying. Had to. Never even once thought of that word. To have all that I had gone through be condensed into such a word just didn't seem right or just or fair or acceptable.

Type "widow" into Google images and look what comes up. And hearing widow I'll admit long black dress, veil and old old woman filled my mind's eye. I am not a widow. I could not fight death but I sure as hell can fight being labeled as such. Nothing I've been through prepared me for this. But then again, I can say that about everything I'm experiencing these days.